thoughts

I cannot write. I have sat here with my journal for the past 30 minutes thinking that I need to update things. I am dead. Not literally but my mind has fogged over so badly I feel like there is nothing in there. Is it the headache or is it the lack of energy I feel? I don't know and it hurts to think about it. I am tired. Very tired. My hands hurt but I refuse to let my aches and pains get to me and take over my life and rob me of the pure enjoyment I get from writing.

A good friend of mine tells me I should write a book. I agree but I am as unfocused as a 3 year old on a caffeine. I know I am destined to write something other than journals and this blog. I know that one day I will definitely be looking down at a book I have written, but about what?

Keian is doing well. I have some fears that he will not get better when it comes to his muscles. Some days I think wow he is getting so much bigger and he is trying so hard to do things but he is not getting better when it comes to his neck. Day after day we work on his neck and day after day I think are we doing this in vain?

Kyle is getting bigger and bigger. I can tell he is resentful of the fact that his sister and brother get so much attention. I think he is diluted in thinking that his mother will come back to his father. He asked me today why I left his dad. He told me his dad said it was because I wanted to be with someone else. Poor kid. It wasn't that I wanted someone else, it was that the way both of us dealt with each other had become so toxic that there was no point in me staying. I had changed EVERYTHING about me for him. I changed my belief system and everything to please his father and to make him "love" me the way I wanted him to. He never knew what love was until Kyle came along. He never knew how to accept someone that was different from him and still love all the differences as much as the similarities. He wanted a clone. He wanted what his parents wanted for him and not what was really in his heart.

Don't get me wrong, Kyle's father was not a bad guy. He was never evil and he was never abusive. He loved his child as much as any good parent does. He just didn't know how to love a partner. I feel sorry for him in that he will ALWAYS be under his mother's thumb. Her opinion will matter way too much to him. He will always choose her over his partner. He will never know what it is like to truly have someone on his side that is his equal.

Jessica is suffering. She too is feeling the loss of a parent. Lee is gone so much working these days she is having such a hard time with it. I see the difference in her when he is around. So much less wound up and able to just relax. I can not wait until hop season is over. I will be glad to have my husband back.