Night time comes with a vengance for me. It is a lonely time. It is full of thoughts of what didn't get done today and what needs to be done tomorrow. What can wait until later, what should be done next. I feel like I am trying to keep my head above water to get pushed back down from the reality that I am only one person trying to do the job of three people. I know I have only made it this far with the Lord's help. I have only made it this far because I have asked for help. I am tired and I am weary. I am anxious and I am lonely. I am trying so hard and failing. I need more hands, I need more brains, I need more, I need. I don't even know what to ask for in help because nothing seems to be helpful. I am grateful that everyone wants to help. I am tired of being strong and I am tired of holding it together. I want to hide. I want to run.
My husband asked me tonight if I had one day alone, no kids, no reponsibility what would I do? I just don't know. I just don't know what to enjoy, I don't know where to go. I have no good friends any more to spend time with, I have no hobbies, I slowly am loosing myself in a world of uncertainties.

A seat for Keian

Thanks to Grandpa we have gotten a chair of our own. This chair came with a wonderful toy that Keian really loves. Thanks Grandpa!

10 things you may not know about me

1. I have this thing about people reading over my shoulder. I hate it! You can read what I wrote, I don't care just don't do it over my shoulder.

2. I hate sharing drinks even with my husband. Yeah I know I kiss the guy full on the mouth but it just grosses me out to share a glass or a bottle of something.

3. I have this fear of vampires in my closet. I have ever since I was a child. As an adult I know they are not real but every once in a while I have a dream about one in my closet and wake up all scared.

4. I have no feeling in my middle toe on my right foot. I also do not have the reflex of when you hit the nerve in your ankle and it is supposed to jump. Ever since I herniated a disc in my back I have had these things wrong.

5. Sometimes I dream of going to India to study yoga and meditation for a month. I know this will not happen until my children are grown and may not happen at all but it is still a dream of mine.

6. It would not bother me to give up watching TV but it would bother me not to have the internet. I feel connected to the world through the internet.

7. I do not believe in global warming. I think the earth goes through phases. It went through and Ice Age and it warmed up. It rained for 40 days and it dried up. I think the world is going to warm up and the earth will catch on fire all over the world.

8. I tend to think that most people are stupid. They get all upset over nothing and bent out of shape over nothing. In the big scheme of things holding grudges and being mean to people only comes back to bite you in the ass. Forgive and forget...It may not be easy but doing it makes your life easier.

9. If I could change my life and do things over again the only thing I would change would be to finish school early.

10. I have a thing for Sylvester Stalone. He was hot in the Rocky movies!

Who will be right?

I can't help but feel excited today. Excited for both of my sisters who are going to have babies. Laura is going to go any time. My bet is on the 26th. She thinks she will on 22nd or 23rd. We will see!

Laughing baby

Isn't this the cutest thing??Laughing baby!

A backwards life

Last night I read something very interesting that made me think. The problem with most people is that they go about life backwards. They should be living and being who they are, doing what they need to do and then the treasures of the world will come to them.
So true! Many people go looking for treasure and seek out the wrong things in life. If we continue on a path to only seek out money then we will be miserable. We get lost in who we are and forget to be that person.

Jessica...not that innocent!

A new style for Jessica

As many of you do not know, Jessica got gum in her hair this weekend and we had to get it cut off. She loved going to get her hair cut and said thank you for my new hair. I have to admit she looks cute! Here she is showing off her new do.

More news

The other shoe dropped! Not about Keian but about me. I got a call from my rhumatologist this morning. She has been researching the last 3 days. Something to her seemed familar when I was talking about my dad's symptoms and my own. She has been searching for some notes she took a long long time ago. I am going to see a neurologist. I don't know if I should be excited that it is not Lupus or sad that the aches and pains will get worse.

I have been to the extreme already. Not being able to use my hands or walk. That was a couple years ago. It got better. I refuse to let this beat my spirit! I am strong and I can get a long just fine. I have already found ways to cope. It is just a matter of finding more ways to cope. I am not any worse off than I was a few days ago. No matter what the doctors tell me this has always been there.

Keian had an evaluation this morning. We had a sight teacher come to visit. He is doing well for his "age." (If you adjust him to his developmental age which is about 3 months) We will be having another person come to visit us reguarly by the end of the month. This is for feedings. We are going to start working on eating by mouth. He is not nearly coordinated I think to eat solids but they say he is and that the calories will do him some good.

Awake in the night

I am up. 1 am and I am up again. I think it is the worried me setting in. Things are going great and I am worried. About what? I don't know but I am anxious and I am worried. I think I thrive on drama and things going bad these days. Something to do other than the daily nothingness of everyday life. As things settle down in life I feel an uneasiness. It could be that I am not use to having no one to really talk ot. It could be that I am so use to being out there in the world working on something. It could just be my nerves at one in the morning shouting at me to get off the computer and go to bed.
I realize that I have not had a best friend in a long long time. Someone that gets me and someone that no matter what crazy things I do they will always love me and they will always call me their best friend. I think I am too high maitenance for most people and I tend to choose people that are too high matienance for me. I look back at the last time I had a real best friend and it was when I was something like 10. Beth. I still call Beth at times. She has turned into the person I never want to be. Single, smoker, drinker. Divorced two times. She married loosers she met in a bar. The same bar! Go figure things didn't work out. She is strong though. She knew she didn't want to be a mother and never had kids. She is understanding and never judges me still to this day, but we come from such different lives now and she does not get me anymore.
Some say I should turn to my husband in this. He has his own problems that dealing with my darkness at times is too much for him and he turns and runs. I don't blame him. I run from his. We don't get eachother and I don't think we ever will but that is what makes us work. We love eachother in the good and bad times but we don't get eachother. For example I don't get why he can't take pills to get over the physical pain and he doesn't get why I do. I guess neither way is bad but neither of us gets why.
I am reading the best book these day.Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. Many people could be offended by her interpretation of God and religious things. Be open I say and read it. It is a really good book about her journey through life.

thoughts

I cannot write. I have sat here with my journal for the past 30 minutes thinking that I need to update things. I am dead. Not literally but my mind has fogged over so badly I feel like there is nothing in there. Is it the headache or is it the lack of energy I feel? I don't know and it hurts to think about it. I am tired. Very tired. My hands hurt but I refuse to let my aches and pains get to me and take over my life and rob me of the pure enjoyment I get from writing.

A good friend of mine tells me I should write a book. I agree but I am as unfocused as a 3 year old on a caffeine. I know I am destined to write something other than journals and this blog. I know that one day I will definitely be looking down at a book I have written, but about what?

Keian is doing well. I have some fears that he will not get better when it comes to his muscles. Some days I think wow he is getting so much bigger and he is trying so hard to do things but he is not getting better when it comes to his neck. Day after day we work on his neck and day after day I think are we doing this in vain?

Kyle is getting bigger and bigger. I can tell he is resentful of the fact that his sister and brother get so much attention. I think he is diluted in thinking that his mother will come back to his father. He asked me today why I left his dad. He told me his dad said it was because I wanted to be with someone else. Poor kid. It wasn't that I wanted someone else, it was that the way both of us dealt with each other had become so toxic that there was no point in me staying. I had changed EVERYTHING about me for him. I changed my belief system and everything to please his father and to make him "love" me the way I wanted him to. He never knew what love was until Kyle came along. He never knew how to accept someone that was different from him and still love all the differences as much as the similarities. He wanted a clone. He wanted what his parents wanted for him and not what was really in his heart.

Don't get me wrong, Kyle's father was not a bad guy. He was never evil and he was never abusive. He loved his child as much as any good parent does. He just didn't know how to love a partner. I feel sorry for him in that he will ALWAYS be under his mother's thumb. Her opinion will matter way too much to him. He will always choose her over his partner. He will never know what it is like to truly have someone on his side that is his equal.

Jessica is suffering. She too is feeling the loss of a parent. Lee is gone so much working these days she is having such a hard time with it. I see the difference in her when he is around. So much less wound up and able to just relax. I can not wait until hop season is over. I will be glad to have my husband back.

We all need to be free to live!

We all need to be free to live!

The need to keep going

I sit here in the dark thinking and wishing I had more of a purpose. I wish I was more than just a mother. Why is there always the endless loads of laundry and why is there always messes to pick up? I want to scream out and take life by the hand again instead of it taking me kicking and screaming down a side street to rob me of my youth. The price we pay to be a mother! I think my youngest says it best in this picture! To look at his perfect little face you would think there is nothing wrong with him. He is a sweet little 3 month old. I can't believe he is almost 9 months now. He should be crawling! He should be sitting! Poor baby can't even roll over and eats from a tube in his stomach. I sometimes wish I could take it all away. I wish he was normal so he could run and jump and play and bug his brother and sister. I wish he could steal their toys and bang on pots and pans in the cupboard by the stove. I pray he can eat cake on his first birthday and will be able to sit up while we sing happy birthday. I hope one day he will grow! I keep going for him. I keep praying for him. I keep loving for him. I keep hoping for him. I keep living for him.

Today we had our good friend Carla come over. She is Keian's physical therapist. She brought us a little tool to use for the week-a little chair. Keian loves it! He sat in it for about 15 minutes this afternoon. Here is a link to see what the seat looks like. We are definately getting one of these for Keian one way or another. It is good therapy for him and the perfect size considering he is so small compared to most babies his age.
http://www.activeforever.com/p-1835-prince-lionheart-bebe-pod-plus-baby-seat.aspx

Things are going so well with Keian I can't help but feel a little uneasy. I'm feeling like when will the other shoe drop.
We ran into a friend today and she made the comment that Keian finally looks like a newborn and not a premie. I know what she means. In physical therapy we are working on sitting upright with Keian. To me is seems strange to see such a small small kid trying to sit upright. He is ready for it though. He seems so much happier these days. Yesterday he giggled all day long when anyone touched him or looked at him. Keian is also starting to enjoy having Jessica around. He trys so hard to get her to interact with him. When she does he just beams!!!! It is so nice to see them finally spending time with eachother.

another

another
Originally uploaded by Rosie O'Donnell

I love this work! Rosie, you have truely out done yourself! I am looking at this peice and it is giving me the inspiration to just keep going. Why? I see the utter chaos that is in my life as well as someone elses and think to myself, If she can get through the depression so can I. What makes her better and stronger than me? Nothing. It is the desire to be a better person and live your life the way that makes you and those closest to you happy.
If you are reading this Rosie I just want to tell you, YOU ROCK!!! You have given me the inspiration to be myself and live my life the way I want to not the way that society or my old fashioned parents think I should.

Yesterday we had our dietician come over to update calories and weigh and measure. To my surprise and hers Keian has gained 2 lbs., grown 3cm! His head circumference has grown 1cm and this has just been in the last month! Keian is starting to get big and very quickly. It is amazing what happens when they actually keep food down!