Night time comes with a vengance for me. It is a lonely time. It is full of thoughts of what didn't get done today and what needs to be done tomorrow. What can wait until later, what should be done next. I feel like I am trying to keep my head above water to get pushed back down from the reality that I am only one person trying to do the job of three people. I know I have only made it this far with the Lord's help. I have only made it this far because I have asked for help. I am tired and I am weary. I am anxious and I am lonely. I am trying so hard and failing. I need more hands, I need more brains, I need more, I need. I don't even know what to ask for in help because nothing seems to be helpful. I am grateful that everyone wants to help. I am tired of being strong and I am tired of holding it together. I want to hide. I want to run.
My husband asked me tonight if I had one day alone, no kids, no reponsibility what would I do? I just don't know. I just don't know what to enjoy, I don't know where to go. I have no good friends any more to spend time with, I have no hobbies, I slowly am loosing myself in a world of uncertainties.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Thursday, October 18, 2007
A seat for Keian
Thanks to Grandpa we have gotten a chair of our own. This chair came with a wonderful toy that Keian really loves. Thanks Grandpa!
10 things you may not know about me
1. I have this thing about people reading over my shoulder. I hate it! You can read what I wrote, I don't care just don't do it over my shoulder.
2. I hate sharing drinks even with my husband. Yeah I know I kiss the guy full on the mouth but it just grosses me out to share a glass or a bottle of something.
3. I have this fear of vampires in my closet. I have ever since I was a child. As an adult I know they are not real but every once in a while I have a dream about one in my closet and wake up all scared.
4. I have no feeling in my middle toe on my right foot. I also do not have the reflex of when you hit the nerve in your ankle and it is supposed to jump. Ever since I herniated a disc in my back I have had these things wrong.
5. Sometimes I dream of going to India to study yoga and meditation for a month. I know this will not happen until my children are grown and may not happen at all but it is still a dream of mine.
6. It would not bother me to give up watching TV but it would bother me not to have the internet. I feel connected to the world through the internet.
7. I do not believe in global warming. I think the earth goes through phases. It went through and Ice Age and it warmed up. It rained for 40 days and it dried up. I think the world is going to warm up and the earth will catch on fire all over the world.
8. I tend to think that most people are stupid. They get all upset over nothing and bent out of shape over nothing. In the big scheme of things holding grudges and being mean to people only comes back to bite you in the ass. Forgive and forget...It may not be easy but doing it makes your life easier.
9. If I could change my life and do things over again the only thing I would change would be to finish school early.
10. I have a thing for Sylvester Stalone. He was hot in the Rocky movies!
Who will be right?
I can't help but feel excited today. Excited for both of my sisters who are going to have babies. Laura is going to go any time. My bet is on the 26th. She thinks she will on 22nd or 23rd. We will see!
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
A backwards life
Last night I read something very interesting that made me think. The problem with most people is that they go about life backwards. They should be living and being who they are, doing what they need to do and then the treasures of the world will come to them.
So true! Many people go looking for treasure and seek out the wrong things in life. If we continue on a path to only seek out money then we will be miserable. We get lost in who we are and forget to be that person.
