Night time comes with a vengance for me. It is a lonely time. It is full of thoughts of what didn't get done today and what needs to be done tomorrow. What can wait until later, what should be done next. I feel like I am trying to keep my head above water to get pushed back down from the reality that I am only one person trying to do the job of three people. I know I have only made it this far with the Lord's help. I have only made it this far because I have asked for help. I am tired and I am weary. I am anxious and I am lonely. I am trying so hard and failing. I need more hands, I need more brains, I need more, I need. I don't even know what to ask for in help because nothing seems to be helpful. I am grateful that everyone wants to help. I am tired of being strong and I am tired of holding it together. I want to hide. I want to run.
My husband asked me tonight if I had one day alone, no kids, no reponsibility what would I do? I just don't know. I just don't know what to enjoy, I don't know where to go. I have no good friends any more to spend time with, I have no hobbies, I slowly am loosing myself in a world of uncertainties.