thoughts

I cannot write. I have sat here with my journal for the past 30 minutes thinking that I need to update things. I am dead. Not literally but my mind has fogged over so badly I feel like there is nothing in there. Is it the headache or is it the lack of energy I feel? I don't know and it hurts to think about it. I am tired. Very tired. My hands hurt but I refuse to let my aches and pains get to me and take over my life and rob me of the pure enjoyment I get from writing.

A good friend of mine tells me I should write a book. I agree but I am as unfocused as a 3 year old on a caffeine. I know I am destined to write something other than journals and this blog. I know that one day I will definitely be looking down at a book I have written, but about what?

Keian is doing well. I have some fears that he will not get better when it comes to his muscles. Some days I think wow he is getting so much bigger and he is trying so hard to do things but he is not getting better when it comes to his neck. Day after day we work on his neck and day after day I think are we doing this in vain?

Kyle is getting bigger and bigger. I can tell he is resentful of the fact that his sister and brother get so much attention. I think he is diluted in thinking that his mother will come back to his father. He asked me today why I left his dad. He told me his dad said it was because I wanted to be with someone else. Poor kid. It wasn't that I wanted someone else, it was that the way both of us dealt with each other had become so toxic that there was no point in me staying. I had changed EVERYTHING about me for him. I changed my belief system and everything to please his father and to make him "love" me the way I wanted him to. He never knew what love was until Kyle came along. He never knew how to accept someone that was different from him and still love all the differences as much as the similarities. He wanted a clone. He wanted what his parents wanted for him and not what was really in his heart.

Don't get me wrong, Kyle's father was not a bad guy. He was never evil and he was never abusive. He loved his child as much as any good parent does. He just didn't know how to love a partner. I feel sorry for him in that he will ALWAYS be under his mother's thumb. Her opinion will matter way too much to him. He will always choose her over his partner. He will never know what it is like to truly have someone on his side that is his equal.

Jessica is suffering. She too is feeling the loss of a parent. Lee is gone so much working these days she is having such a hard time with it. I see the difference in her when he is around. So much less wound up and able to just relax. I can not wait until hop season is over. I will be glad to have my husband back.

We all need to be free to live!

We all need to be free to live!

The need to keep going

I sit here in the dark thinking and wishing I had more of a purpose. I wish I was more than just a mother. Why is there always the endless loads of laundry and why is there always messes to pick up? I want to scream out and take life by the hand again instead of it taking me kicking and screaming down a side street to rob me of my youth. The price we pay to be a mother! I think my youngest says it best in this picture! To look at his perfect little face you would think there is nothing wrong with him. He is a sweet little 3 month old. I can't believe he is almost 9 months now. He should be crawling! He should be sitting! Poor baby can't even roll over and eats from a tube in his stomach. I sometimes wish I could take it all away. I wish he was normal so he could run and jump and play and bug his brother and sister. I wish he could steal their toys and bang on pots and pans in the cupboard by the stove. I pray he can eat cake on his first birthday and will be able to sit up while we sing happy birthday. I hope one day he will grow! I keep going for him. I keep praying for him. I keep loving for him. I keep hoping for him. I keep living for him.

Today we had our good friend Carla come over. She is Keian's physical therapist. She brought us a little tool to use for the week-a little chair. Keian loves it! He sat in it for about 15 minutes this afternoon. Here is a link to see what the seat looks like. We are definately getting one of these for Keian one way or another. It is good therapy for him and the perfect size considering he is so small compared to most babies his age.
http://www.activeforever.com/p-1835-prince-lionheart-bebe-pod-plus-baby-seat.aspx

Things are going so well with Keian I can't help but feel a little uneasy. I'm feeling like when will the other shoe drop.
We ran into a friend today and she made the comment that Keian finally looks like a newborn and not a premie. I know what she means. In physical therapy we are working on sitting upright with Keian. To me is seems strange to see such a small small kid trying to sit upright. He is ready for it though. He seems so much happier these days. Yesterday he giggled all day long when anyone touched him or looked at him. Keian is also starting to enjoy having Jessica around. He trys so hard to get her to interact with him. When she does he just beams!!!! It is so nice to see them finally spending time with eachother.

another

another
Originally uploaded by Rosie O'Donnell

I love this work! Rosie, you have truely out done yourself! I am looking at this peice and it is giving me the inspiration to just keep going. Why? I see the utter chaos that is in my life as well as someone elses and think to myself, If she can get through the depression so can I. What makes her better and stronger than me? Nothing. It is the desire to be a better person and live your life the way that makes you and those closest to you happy.
If you are reading this Rosie I just want to tell you, YOU ROCK!!! You have given me the inspiration to be myself and live my life the way I want to not the way that society or my old fashioned parents think I should.

Yesterday we had our dietician come over to update calories and weigh and measure. To my surprise and hers Keian has gained 2 lbs., grown 3cm! His head circumference has grown 1cm and this has just been in the last month! Keian is starting to get big and very quickly. It is amazing what happens when they actually keep food down!